Warning:
Naughty language, kids.
Previously: /Boom/. Water ripple. /Boom/. Water ripple. /Boom/.
Water ripple.
_________________________________________________________________
Rex is here to fuck shit up (he’s called
Rex because T-Dog is a character from the Walking Dead and I don’t want to be
sued). It horror begins with the goat being eaten, easily the saddest loss of
the movie. Next, he makes like Ludacris and gets that fence out the way…bitch.
Rex has his freedom at last.
Now, I wasn’t alive to see this movie in
theaters, but I imagine seeing Rex roaring on the big screen was fucking awesome.
I still get goose bumps from the growl. Lawyer must get them too because he
wimps out and abandons the kids, but he gets eaten for being an asshole, so
it’s fine. Then Lex decides it would be a good idea to shine a light in the
damn thing’s face. So of course, Rex attacks their jeep. But have no fear,
Grant and Malcolm to the rescue. Well, unless you’re Malcolm because Malcolm
gets injured distracting Rex while Grant helps the kids out of the ruined jeep.
Grant almost does it, but while he gets Lex out of the jeep, Tim get pushed
over a cliff before he can escape. Grant and Lex climb down over the enclosure
to get away from Rex and to get Tim out of the tree and now the three of them
are lost in the park. Fucking great. Thus ends this classic scene.
Everyone who didn’t go on the tour get
worried that the J-crew isn’t back so Dick Muld and Sattler go out to get find
them. When Sattler and Dick Muld get to the site of the attack, it’s a bit
shocking to say the least. There might be some freaking out but on the upside
they find Malcolm alive. They stash Malcolm in the car and look for the others.
Then comes the /Boom/. Water ripple.
Guess who’s back? Sattler and Dick Muld get back just in time to drive away,
but not without giving the world the iconic side view mirror shot. Back with
Grant and kids, they find nice tree to sleep in. While in the tree, we see some
development from Grant as his feelings towards kids change.
Back at the base of operations, John is
eating his feelings with ice cream when Sattler joins him. John talks about his
rationale for creating the park. He had a flea circus that was all tricks but
when he could he wanted to make something real, no tricks. Then he ruins the
moment by saying he wants to try again. But Sattler talks about how the park is
an illusion of control and now they’re fucked over because people they care
about are lost.
The next morning, Grant and kids wake up
to a brachiosaurus eating off their tree. Grant feeds it, Tim pets it, and Lex
gets sneezed on. It probably didn’t like her initial reaction of screaming.
It’s like: “Girl please, it’s too early for this shit.” As they continue on their trek through the
forest, Grant finds dinosaur eggs proving that Malcolm was right, life found a
way. They also briefly mention in the background that Lex is a hacker, which
seems random, but trust me, it’s important
Once again people are arguing because John
wants to shut down the system to get rid of the virus fat man placed but Not-
Nick doesn’t want to because the rest of the security, including the raptor pen
fences, would go down. Even Dennis the asshole was smart enough to keep them
on. But John wins and Not-Nick ends up doing it. Luckily it work,
unfortunately, Not-Nick has to go across the main part of the park to turn the
breakers back on.
You know how some movie have some
gratuitous nudity and sex? Well, this movie is a little different, we get
gratuitous dinosaurs. Grants and kids are marching along when they stumble
across a see a herd of galaminus running around a field, looking dumb. But I
they’re running away from Rex, so looking cool isn’t a priority. Grant and kids
hide and watch as Rex catches and eats a galaminus. Then they leave.
Gratuitous.
Sattler gets worried because Not-Nick is
taking forever to turn on the breakers (due to circumstances previously
discussed) so she and Dick Muld go to investigate. But it’s never that easy,
the two of them have to evade the raptors that escaped. Sadly, this is where
Dick Muld’s story ends, he gets eaten but Sattler makes it. This scene is good
though because before Dick and Sattler leave, John is like: “Maybe I should go
because you’re a woman.” But Sattler is like: “I’ll kick your sexist ass when I
get back.” Those weren’t the exact words, but that’s what I heard.
On the last leg of their journey, Grant
and kids have to climb a deactivated electric fence, and once again, it’s never
easy. Of course they reach the fence right as Sattler is busy trying to turn
the power back on. Grant and Lex get over the fence but Tim wimps out and just
chills on the fence even when the alarm starts going off. Don’t be a little
bitch Tim. Sattler turns the fences on and Tim gets shocked. While that’s
happening, Sattler has to run away from raptors and in the process she finds
the decoy arm Not-Nick left. Tim almost dies, but Grant saves him with CPR. I
hope you learned your lesson, kid.
The J-crew makes it back to the visitors’
center and Grant leaves the kids to get help. But it’s okay because he left
them in the dining room with a buffet. I’m always jealous of that. Grant finds
Sattler right away and they hug; it’s a very nice reunion. Back with the kids, they
are eating and having a good time but raptors show up and mood is ruined. They
hide in the kitchen in a very intense scene, one of my favorite scenes in fact.
Tim and Lex make it out of the kitchen
and find Sattler and Grant. They reunited J-crew runs to the control room but
they can’t lock the door because the system needs to be reset. Remember that
thing I said seemed unimportant but it was actually important? This is it. Lex
has her moment and reboots everything with her hacker skills, locking the door
and turning the phones on. But the raptors say: “Fuck your doors,” and break
through the glass. They escape through the ceiling and end up coming out of a
vent next to the fossil display in the lobby. After jumping onto the fossils,
they end up falling and are about to get eaten but suddenly REX. He shows up
and saves the day, and by day I mean meal. Rex fucks up the raptors’ shit
completely. The roar at the end with the banner flying down is amazing. Slow
clap for Rex.
Hammond and Malcolm pick them up in a
jeep and everyone agrees to that the park is a death trap, even Hammond. They
leave the island in a helicopter and the kids and Grant fall asleep next to
each other and Sattler is like: “Awwww.”
It’s strangely calm after all that’s happened. Like they almost got
eaten and now they are in a helicopter, silent as they leave. I think they all
might be revaluating their lives after the near death experiences. But
still…motherfucking dinosaurs, man.
The End.
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