Warning:
Naughty language, kids.
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Mother. Fucking. Dinosaurs.
Okay, first of all, let me just say that
the music is fucking fantastic in this movie. It sets the mood immediately and
you know something ominous is going down. And it’s true, all sorts of ominous
shit is happening. It’s nighttime, the bushes are swaying while people in
hardhats watch with apprehension. At least I think it’s apprehension, it could
be boredom, or arousal. I don’t empathize well with strangers. Guys with guns
are watching a forklift with a huge cage going towards a bigger cage. Isla Nublar
appears on the bottom of the screen. Now we have a setting. In the crate something
is watching them. I wonder what it is. Big surprise, as they are transferring
the mysterious creature a dude gets eaten. What could have done this?
Next we see some dude in the jungle, on
a raft, dressed in a suit like an asshole. Big surprise, he’s a lawyer. He
shall be called Lawyer from here on out. Lawyer is visiting a mine of some sort.
He’s talking about the incident that
happened and insurance and other words I tuned out because Lawyer is very
annoying and dull. They end the scene with a shot of a mosquito encased in
amber; which I took sick pleasure from. That’s what you deserve you mosquito
fuck head.
Now we find ourselves in the middle of
an excavation. People are unearthing a velociraptor fossil. What I liked about
this scene was the constant sound of brushing, it was oddly relaxing. It was
like listening to ocean waves rush up onto the sand. Swish, swish. Here is
where we meet Dr. Alan Grant and Dr. Ellie Sattler. They’re an item, but they
are very low key about it. But they aren’t together in Jurassic Park 3. I’m
still bitter about it.
The archaeologists are using radar to see
the fossil underground and when Dr. Grant compares raptors to birds a little
asshole child is like: “It doesn’t look like a bird, more like an overgrown
turkey, I’m a kid an I know everything, I’m unsupervised, my shirt is stupid.”
There may or may not have been some slight exaggeration. But Dr. Grant is
having none of his bullshit, so he tells the kid in great detail on how
velociraptors would eat him alive. Dr. Grant doesn’t like kids. I feel you,
man.
Then a fucking Helicopter comes and
almost ruins their dig site. Fucking CEOs think they can do whatever. We then meet
John Hammond, owner of the park. He needs a second opinion about his park to
make the lawyers happy so he bribes Grant and Sattler into agree to visit the
park as consultants. But he is vague about what kind of park it is. I would be
like: “Dude, tell me where I’m going or you can just leave now.” But money, but
sketchy. Ahh, confliction.
In the next little scene is set in Costa
Rica. A man in a hat, who is bad at being discreet, talks to fat man named
Dennis about stealing embryos from the park; for money of course. Dennis is
bad. In fact he’s the worst character in the movie.
More helicopter. Hammond, Grant, Sattler,
and Lawyer are the passengers. Along with new character, Dr. Ian Malcolm; the
weird guy from the sequel. They land on Isla Nublar and get to ride in the cool
jeeps with the logo. I noticed that Lawyer was wearing a short suit. As in, a
suit with shorts, what a tool; maybe Lawyer is the worst character. I just
really didn’t like the character. He annoyed me so much; I tuned him out a lot.
What happened next? Oh yeah…DINOSAURS. The first one they see is a
brontosaurus, or is it a brachiosaurus. Don’t blame me for not knowing. Dammit
readers, I’m a blogger, not an archaeologist. Anyway, Dr. Grant is freaking out
a little, he almost fainted but I would feel faint too, maybe cry. So yeah,
they have a little freak out and ask questions and when Hammond said T-Rex, I
remember being like…oh shit.
One question is: how? Solid question,
it’d be nice to know how the hell you made dinosaurs. The answer lies within
the walls of the visitors’ center. The J-crew arrives and they get on a ride to
find out about how they did it. It was all very scientific, I felt smarter
after watching the educational video. The little DNA guy was my favorite dude
when I was a kid. The answer to how is cloning and it turns out that mosquitoes are only good in movies; which is still shitty because they’re only fake good. The
J-crew sees the lab of wonder and leaves the ride to learn more. It’s not
allowed but you know, yolo right? They get there just in time to see a
velociraptor hatch, it was an ugly motherfucker.
This is great and all, but what the
hell. Wouldn’t the dinosaurs just breed and take over the island? The movie has
an answer for that; a scientist person says they control the population by
making all of the dinosaurs female but Malcolm was like: “life finds a way.” Spoiler:
he’s right.
On the way to lunch, the J-crew walks
past a velociraptor enclosure in time to see a cow being fed to the raptors.
Poor cow, it was pretty brutal. It was
funny because John was like: “we have lunch waiting.” But everyone else was
like: “bitch I want to see this.” Here we officially meet the game warden,
Robert Muldoon. I shall call him Dick Muld. He talks about how smart the
raptors are and about how one of them is really big and smart. /whispers/
foreshadowing.
At lunch, they are served some weird
looking crap that is even less appetizing after the cow evisceration. I don’t
really care for this scene because it’s legal and financial talk with a heaping
serving of arguing about ethics and respecting life. I’m not saying respecting
nature is bad, do that. Water a plant, pet a panda, we just won’t be in a
position to argue about the cloning of dinosaurs. That’s why this scene lost my
attention. I went onto Tumblr. Malcolm, Lawyer and Hammond were the biggest
culprits in the debate. I don’t want to spend too much time on this scene but
basically, /gasp/ Malcolm is right again.
After lunch, it’s tour time. This is
where we meet John’s grandkids. The boy, Tim, has an obsession with dinosaurs, and
Dr. Grant. The girl, Lex, ends up liking him too; much to his displeasure and
Sattler’s amusement. For the tour, they get even cooler jeeps. John is in the
control room and he says to start the tour and whoa, Nick Fury what are doing
here? Except he’s not Nick Fury here, he’s Ray Arnold, but here he’s Not-Nick.
He’s a computer guy, who smokes, bad Not-Nick.
I bet that’s how he lost his eye. When
he goes to turn on the generators later in the movie, he realized he was out of
cigarettes. This was bad because everyone knows that velociraptors are health
conscious and don’t eat prey that smells like cancer smoke. But since Not-Nick
was out of cigarettes, the protective aroma wore off. So he had to run to his
locker, which was stuffed with body part props that he acquired from his days
of moonlighting as a Scare Tactics
set decorator. He found a fake arm, similar to his real arm and threw it to the
raptors as a diversion. With the raptors distracted, he got to a helicopter and
flew off the island to go to the nearest convenience store. When he landed, he
caused quite a ruckus, and in the commotion of the landing he tripped and fell
onto a cat that was having a bad day. The cat then proceeded to claw the shit
out of his eye. Hurt, cigarette-less, and embarrassed, he went to the hospital
and when they patched up his eye, he vowed to never go back and face his shame.
Thus, Nick Fury was born.
What?
Back to the tour, the J-crew passes
through the gates of doom. But just like any other fucking animal attraction, they
have no luck seeing the dinosaurs. A goat is used to try and lure the T-rex out
but Rex was like: “Fuck your goat.” As they continue through the tour Grant
just gets out of the moving jeep. Everyone else follows and Dick Muld was like:
“I told you we should lock the doors, idiots.” The J-crew sees their first
dinosaurs of the tour, a sick triceratops. After some debate and shitting
around, everyone has to go because of a storm that’s approaching the island,
but Sattler stays behind to help the triceratops more. Bitch, doesn’t realize
how lucky her decision is.
It’s storming now and John is sad that
the tour went badly. But Not-Nick was like: “At least they didn’t get eaten.”
Fair point. But things only get worse when Dennis the asshole strikes. He’s
been dicking around throughout the movie, but he is too annoying and not worth
mentioning much. He shuts down the security systems and steals some dinosaur
embryos. This causes the electric fences, ones that are keeping deadly animals
away from the squishy humans, to fail all over the park; the jeeps even shut
down.
But
good news, while Dennis the asshole is trying to drive to the docks he fucks up
and gets eaten by an escaped dinosaur. Meanwhile, Not-Nick has to try a fix the
system. Everything is fucked up: the phones are broken, people are stranded,
dinosaurs are escaping, and the goat is stuck out in the storm. And of course
the jeeps break down in front of the T-rex enclosure; very important to mention
that.
/Boom/. Water ripple. /Boom/. Water ripple. /Boom/. Water ripple.
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