Movie Review: The Avengers (2012)

Okay, friends, so the movie opens up with this creepy character called, the Other, talking to an unknown being about how the Tesseract (the blue cube of magic from Captain America) has awoken and is on Earth and that their ally, Loki, can work that shit and lead the army to victory. He makes a point of calling the human race weak. He also states that the human race will burn. Swell guy, right? But guess what; humans don’t burn, we shine bright…like diamonds.  The opening narration basically lets you know that there’s a shit storm heading Earth’s way.

The next scene is located at a S.H.I.E.L.D. base; everyone is scrambling to evacuate because the Tesseract is acting up. Rude. We see Nick Fury for the first time talking to Maria Hill about some stuff and she’s like, “Nick please.” That’s basically their entire relationship. But I feel like they could have played up the tension between Nick and Maria better. An average movie goer wouldn’t really gather they butt heads a lot. Nick goes to see what’s happening with the Tesseract and we are reintroduced Dr. Erik Selvig, who we first saw in Thor.  They have a chat about the Tesseract and Selvig has a line about small levels of gamma radiation not being harmful, and then Nick has a great reaction face and replies with, “that can be harmful.”  Pure gold. We also get introduced to Clint Barton, A.K.A Hawkeye, in this scene (I don’t say reintroduced because his nineteen seconds in Thor don’t count).

This next bit is so important that it gets its own section. Are you ready? My thought process when I first saw this character’s introduction in this movie goes as follows, “Oh God is that him? It has to be him. It is. It is him. Here he comes, jesus he is so hot, he is literally simmering. Oh, there go my ovaries.”

Loki.

Yes, folks, we get the villain fairly early in the movie and what does he do immediately? He fucks shit up with his scepter of glowing badassery. It was a great introduction for a great villain. But while this scene was smoking hot, it leads to my first criticism; Hawkeye becoming a mind slave. This just seems like a cheap escape from having to come up with enough storyline for the character. Joss, the people want Hawkeye, not a fucking puppet. There better be a smorgasbord of sass and action from Hawkeye in Avengers 2. Or there will be blood. Dr. Selvig and some randoms also gets brainwashed by Loki’s scepter because every villain needs a posse. Then Loki and his crew take the Tesseract and leave, taking the party with them. But not so fast, Maria Hill is on the case, and by that I mean there is a tunnel chase.

Now, before we move on, it’s theory time. When Loki first comes through the portal made by the Tesseract, he’s all sweaty and sick, just like Hawkeye is after he was mind-slaved. There has to be a reason for this. Tom Hiddleston does not simply look all sweaty and sick for no reason in a film. Not to say Loki isn’t an asshole, because he totally is, but is there some mind control happening to Loki? Who knows? I mean it. No one tells us anything. We are stuck posting theories on Tumblr.

So then, the S.H.I.E.L.D base is destroyed by the radiation of Loki’s grand entrance. But it’s fine because it’s not the Hellicarrier. Unless you’re Agent Coulson, he looked sad, but that might be because left some Captain America merchandise in his office. Agent Hill gets trapped in tunnel and can’t chase the bad news gang anymore, but have no fear, Nick Fury and his helicopter are here to-oh never mind, Loki just shot it out of the sky. Nick gets totally mad at Loki and declares a level seven, which is apparently a big deal. Also, this is all before the main title screen. The first few scenes were setup and action before the slightly tedious gathering of the heroes.

Enter: Natasha Romanoff, A.K.A Black Widow, who we first saw in Ironman 2. All I can really say is that she is introduced wonderfully. She uses her feminine and super spy ways to interrogate some criminals, while being tied up, to a chair. But the best part is the phone call, which gives Agent Coulson a witty line and establishes how badass he is. Natasha was like, “I’m working, not now.” Then Coulson was all, “Hawkeye has gone cray.” Well then. She proceeds to beat the shit out of the dumb criminals. It was awesome. Black Widow is just an amazing female character who kicks ass and takes names while looking fabulous. Praise Joss Whedon for writing awesome female characters. Four for you, Joss Whedon; you go, Joss Whedon.

Next on Nick Fury’s party list is Bruce Banner, A.K.A the Hulk. He’s in Calcutta, which is obscure and big enough for him to blend in. I have to say, I had my doubts when I heard Mark Ruffalo was cast as Bruce Banner. All I could think about was Matty from 13 Going On 30. But I was quick to worry because Mark nailed it. His, “Sorry, that was mean,” line was when I stood up and shouted my love for him to the heavens. The heavens told me to shut up because they were trying to watch the movie. Anyway, Bruce is working as a doctor and gets conned into going to an empty house, but it’s not empty. Look, it’s Natasha. We find out that S.H.I.E.L.D has been helping him hide from shady people.  This scene was exciting because it’s the first scene where the audience really gets to see interaction from characters who haven’t met. There was sass, persuasion, and sass. Did I forget to say that this movie is riddled with sass? Because it is. Bruce ends up going with Natasha, of course. But imagine if he didn’t, that would be really awkward.

After a very nice transition, courtesy of Nick Fury. We get the most epic butt shot in the history of butt shots. Hello Steve Rogers, A.K.A Captain America. I’m still not over that shot of his perfect, Grecian ass. Steve definitely has some pent up issues from the way he was fucking up that punching bag. Poor, Steve. Nick has the honor of talking to Steve (I’m sure Coulson was pouting somewhere) and they chatted about the Tesseract and Steve is so done with the stupid cube. And he should be, he ended up frozen in ice for like 70 years because of the damn thing. 

 After another transition, this time brought to us by Steve, we get to see Tony Stark, A.K.A. you know who the hell he his. I’m going to be straight up and tell you, the sass he brings to the table is staggering, but that’s what we love about Robert Downey JR. or Tony Stark, those names are interchangeable.  So Tony is now green and used arc reactor tech to make a self-sustaining tower. But a real gem in this scene is Pepper Potts. Their dynamic is amazing. It was good to see their relationship for a little while in Avengers instead of having to wait until Ironman 3.  Sassy sass, sass. Sass. Coulson end up being the bearer of Loki news in this scene, and surprise, Tony joins the party.

So while Thor appears later, the introductions of the characters were funny moved along at a descent pace but at the same time I wanted them to just get together and kick some ass. I know that wouldn’t be good storytelling, so I shouldn’t complain. So I won’t anymore.

Now all of the characters will be joining forces soon. Or will they? Will things go over smoothly between the heroes? Where is Loki now? Why did Hawkeye get the short stick? Why am I asking? Everyone has seen this movie. Just, come back here next week and read the rest of the review.