Warning: Naughty language,
kids. Also, sorry about the length, it's kind of long, but there wasn't a really good place to split it up without a part being too short.
Last time we left off with Tony getting in on
the action; we pick up with Steve flying to the Hellicarrier. As in, he’s on a jet;
he’s not flying by himself. In this scene we get a lethal dose of fanboy
Coulson . “I watched you while you were sleeping.” Coulson no. We also get more
reminders that Steve…isn’t from around here. Poor Steve.
Whoa! We find Loki’s
evil lair next. Loki and his larger-than-we-saw-last-time crew are holed up
underground somewhere, there’s tunnels and shit; very villainy. The god is meditating
or something, talking to the Other. He’s also aligning his chakras and reducing
stress to prevent wrinkles. We see more of the potentially mind-controlled Loki
because the Other threatens him with pain and not being able to win hide and
seek ever again. The Other also mentions that: “He will *yadda yadda words I
can’t recall*.” Who is he? Still not telling us anything. Also, there’s like a
giant snake slithering in the background?! It was very threating. I felt
threatened.
Back on the good guy
front, Steve arrives at the Hellicarrier and meets Natasha and Bruce. The big moment in this scene is the revealing
of the Hellicarrier. Yeah, biggest event, not much else to say. Bruce makes some
jokes, Steve is a nice guy, and Natasha is sexy.
Moving on.
We find ourselves back
with Loki who is plotting evil plans with zombie!Hawkeye. They need an eyeball.
Meanwhile, on the Hellicarrier, minions are scanning the world for Loki and
Coulson is fanboying. Big surprise, they find Loki, who isn’t even trying to be
discreet. That should set bells off immediately. How are they not suspicious? Aside
from the terrible intuitions of the good guy crew, this scene is amazing, especially
when we see Loki in a suit, being evil, and drilling out eyeballs. He’s so evil
here, it’s beautiful. Error time, he’s in Germany right? But he’s speaking
English and the German people understood said English. Another point, Loki
sounds really preachy, not like the sassy and insane little shit we know from
Thor. Mind control I tell you. But then Captain America drops from the top of
the frame and then it’s time to FIGHT. Ironman crashes the fight and Loki gives
up. For what reason??? Come on, people.
Alarm bells should be ringing away.
Apparently the bells
are ringing when Cap and Tony talk about their suspicions but they still want
to take him to the fucking Hellicarrier. Guys, please. But suddenly thunder. Oh hey Thor, nice of
you to show up. I can’t get over how Thor just fucking walked into the jet and
took Loki. He just fucking took him. They have a little family reunion and Thor
alludes to the mysterious person who controls the “would-be king.” Then Tony interrupts because when Tony is
around, he can only go so long without being the center of attention. Cap tried to stop them, but instead a forest
got decimated. They worked it out though. Loki hung around to watch the fight
instead of escaping.…WHY ARE YOU IDIOTS STILL TAKING HIM TO THE HELICARRIER?
Thor, I understand why you are, you just got there. Everyone else, punch
yourselves in the face.
So, Loki arrives at the
Hellicarrier and everyone is edgy. He gets put into a prison, and he just rolls
his eyes. Little asshole. In the meantime, Thor is giving the 411 to the rest
of the team. He tells them about Loki’s evil plot plan and how he has an army
to enslave everyone, and the Avengers are so done. An army from outer space.
Really? Something beautiful happens though, the beginning of the science bros.
Tony and Bruce=BFFs forever.
With this new found
broship, Tony and Bruce get to work on locating the Tesseract. And what broship
is complete without conspiracy talk with Captain America. Tony is like: “Shit
is weird, man.” Bruce is like: “He has a point.” And Steve is like: “No, get to
work.” But then he walks out of the room and investigates anyway. The whole
sequence on the Hellicarrier gets a little slow, they are setting up for the
final battle.
We also, see a darker
side of Nick Fury when he brings up the idea of torturing Loki to Thor. It was
pretty heavy. But then the scene with Widow and Loki made everything okay. She was
manipulative and Loki got tricked. You got tricked, son. But, as the evil
villain he is, he still manages to get to her head with the sexiest speech in
the Marvel universe. We also got a little Hawkeye and Widow back story. This is
also the part where Steve, Tony, and Bruce find out S.H.I.E.L.D.s dirty little
secret.
Cue the inevitable
scene of tension and fighting that happens when a bunch of superheroes get
together. Basically, everyone is bitching at one another. Nick said they made
weapons with the Tesseract because Thor’s appearance on Earth showed that Earth
was wimpy. But Thor is like: “No, stupid head, wrong.” He said that they had
shown that Earth is ready for a “higher form of war.” I guess it’s nice that
space decided to wait until we were ready to attack us. Suddenly, Hawkeye trick
shot. What are you up to? This scene
also has the heartbreaking moment of Bruce saying he tried to kill himself.
Bruce baby, we just want you to be happy.
So then Hawkeye conveniently blows shit up right as Bruce finds out
where the Tesseract is. And he Hulks out. Almost killing Widow before Thor
tackles Hulk. By the way, Hulk is “mean” in this scene because the explosion
was unexpected and the Hulk transformation was sudden, not by choice, and
traumatizing. So stop saying that it doesn’t make sense that Hulk helped them
later. Jesus, just think.
Anyway, Hulk ends up diving
off the carrier and onto a jet that was shooting at him. Steve and Tony are
repairing the ship and Natasha goes after Hawkeye to knock some sense into him.
Thor checks on Loki and ends up locked in the cage because Thor has a problem
for falling for the same trick. Then comes the unspeakable act…Loki killing
Coulson. But I blame Joss Whedon because that’s the type of person he is. But
at least Coulson got his shot at Loki, while Thor gets ejected from the Hellicarrier.
In the aftermath of
Loki’s escape, they call it. Coulson is dead. Nick Fury is talking to Tony and
Steve, to whom he presents Coulson’s blood-stained Captain America cards,
unsigned. A part of me died at that moment. Thor ended up in a field somewhere and Bruce
wakes up in a newly smashed factory, where he meets the best security guard
ever. The security guard was another gem in the movie. Hawkeye comes to on the
Hellicarrier and we finally get the Hawkeye we wanted. Well, at least for the
remaining nine minutes of screen time he has.
Tony and Steve finally
figure out where Loki is and the Avengers, who now get along and work as a team
perfectly, head out. Nick sees them leaving and tracks them, and we find out
that he ruined Coulson’s card with his blood because “they needed the push.”
Fuck you, Nick. This isn’t even about the Avengers right now okay? Coulson
worked hard to get those cards and you ruined them. Coulson’s going to be
pissed.
Back in the action, we
find Loki and crew at Stark Tower where Dr.
Selvig is on the roof doing his Tesseract thing, but he gets knocked out
when Tony tries to blow it up. Which doesn’t even work. The portal is open. So
then Tony decides to threaten Loki and he gets tossed out of a window when
Tony’s arc reactor prevents Loki from mind controlling him. But on the upside,
we get to see the new Ironman suit.
Here it is, the final
battle. The Chitauri, Loki’s space army, starts swarming through the portal. There
is a lot of explosions and screaming. It’s utter chaos. Loki must be jizzing
all over himself. But the mood is ruined
when Thor finally shows up again and he goes for Loki, who ends up stabbing him.
But for a second, it seemed like there was a possibly moment of clarity for
Loki after Thor smashed him into the floor. Then he turned back into
ultra-dick. Steve, Clint, and Natasha
arrive in the Quinjet, which gets shot down almost immediately. There are also space whales that show up at
one point, they’re pretty cool.
Thor ends up beating
the shit out of Loki, and so Loki gets out of there but he leaves scepter on
the balcony below. There is just so much action and badassery everywhere: Steve
parkours, Tasha and Clint reminisce about Budapest while kicking ass and Bruce
shows up on moped. Then we get awesome Hulk and the first thing he does is
punch a space whale in the face. I have to mention the epic circle shot of all
them fighting as a team. Pure ecstasy. More stuff happens: Hulk punches Thor, Cap
saves some people, Natasha and Selvig figure out how to shut off the portal, Hawkeye
blows Loki up, and Hulk smashes Loki. That’s the end of Loki fighting in this
battle. I’ve heard people say there was too much action, but it’s all awesome
action. Tony flies into a space whale and blows it up, so cool. But then the
fucking council decides to nuke the city. But then good guy Tony redirects the
nuke into the portal and Tasha closes the damn thing. Tony almost died, but
he’s fine now, he ate some Shawarma. But
yeah, the nuke destroys the mother ship and all of the aliens die. Also, they
capture Loki.
Then it’s just the ending
to wrap shit up. The world is thankful, except
for some political bastards, and Stan Lee. I was scared for a while that he
wasn’t going to have a cameo since it was so close to the end when it happened.
But come on, past me, this is Joss we are talking about, everything was fine.
More wrap up: Loki and Thor leave for Asgard, the council and nick have a chat
about how Nick was right and the council was wrong, and the science bros drive
off together. Everyone goes their separate ways, but they’ll come back because
of the sequel. The last shot is of Tony and Pepper Stark Tower, rebuilding and
planning out towers for the rest of the Avengers. As the shot pans out of the
building we see that only the “A” of Stark Tower survived the battle on stark
tower. Get it? Avengers.
The End.
Cut scene 1: We find
out that the “he” we heard so much about during the movie is Thanos. Now, this
is just a guess, but I think he’s
going to be the villain in Avengers 2.
Cut scene 2: Shawarma.
Just Shawarma.
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