Movie Review: Sharknado (2013):

Warning: Naughty language, kids

Notes: I’m so sorry about this one. I made a terrible mistake. This movie made me extremely angry so expect a lot of !!! and ??? I’m so sorry. Like, so sorry.

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Music: 1/10 shitty CG sharks

Well let’s get this over with.

At least this movie gets right into it. The first thing we see is a waterspout in the ocean sucking sharks up into the storm. Seems legit. Then it goes to the title screen and yeah, not much set up needed for this thing.

We flash to a fishing boat twenty miles off the coast of Mexico. This is no normal tuna boat however, these motherfuckers are catching and killing sharks. I thought these were going to be the main people because an actual almost story was set up for them. The captain of the ship and some dude who doesn’t like tea are chatting business. Is it tea? I don’t fucking know. I only paid attention to this movie when I had to. Tea Dude offers money to the captain  for his shark catch. They fight over the price and why some corporate tea guy wants sharks, I don’t care.

The fight escalates when the captain pulls out a gun, causing Tea Dude to agree with his price. The crew lets the captain know that a storm is coming and for some reason that I missed, the captain mentions that sharks should be afraid of people. Be ready to eat your words, prick. 

The storm arrives and everything is shaking and the badly CGI’d boat is having a rough time. But the captain doesn’t go around the storm, he wants to go through it like dumb person. A shark washes up on deck and eats some dude. No one cares? Then I guess I blinked at the wrong time because suddenly Tea Dude has a gun. But the captain fucks him hard and shoots him. Then he gets eaten. Oh no, so tragic. But then the boat gets caught in the middle of the sharknado and everyone dies. Why they couldn’t just show that in the first place, I don’t know. Why go through the pointless set up for randoms?

Now we are on Sexy Beach.  There is literally not one ugly person on the beach. Everyone is hot. Predictably, there are a lot of surfers enjoying themselves and checking each other out. Storm clouds roll in but the surfers are like: “Sweet waves, man.” They show a surfer dude get towed around on a jet ski. At this point I thought the dude was just a random doomed to die. We end up inside a bar and on the news is a report about hurricane David and how it has driven the sharks off. Ha. Also, a new character is introduced here; she’s a waitress, who fights off the affections of Creeper Man.

Back on Sexy Beach, the storm is getting closer, so are the sharks. Some chick goes surfing and the dude that was towed around on the jet ski earlier hits on her. But really it’s just terrible flirting. I wonder how uncomfortable a wet suit is on a boner? Slightly off topic but I'm curious okay? Anyway, the chick calls the man Grandpa, and now I will too. Grandpa falls off his board (loser), and the chick gets surrounded by badly CG’d sharks.

Side note: the sharks in this movie are mostly the badly CGI’d ones, but randomly there are shots of real sharks mixed in, making it worse than the CG sharks because the real sharks are so out of place. You can tell that the real sharks are in the middle of the ocean and not the streets of Los Angeles (spoiler). Fucking Christ.

            Anyway, the shitty sharks are getting close to shore, and there are tons of them. The sexy beach goers are oblivious to the danger. Which begs the question: where are the fucking life guards? Isn’t it a part of their job to be on the lookout for sharks? Oh well, too late, the surfer chick is eaten and Grandpa freaks out. He yells things like, "SHARKS!" and to, "GET OUT OF THE WATER!", but no one cares. Dumb idiots deserve to die. And they do. Another random dude is eaten, and another…and another. It's glorious.

Now comes the part when people panic and run away. The waitress from earlier hears the commotion and rushes to the beach like a smart person. The Jet Ski Dude saves Grandpa and is bitten by a shark. But it’s fine because they both make it back to land.  Here we find out that Waitress knows Grandpa. When she hears about the sharks she gets all sketchy. I wonder what her mysterious back story will be??

Back at the bar, Jet Ski Dude is patched up and telling his story.  But Creeper Man gives no fucks.  Literally, hundreds of sharks just showed up and ate people and everyone is so calm about it. “It’s just the storm.” Grandpa is more worried about the storm than the sharks and calls someone named April. Also, Grandpa owns the bar and is Waitress’ boss.

So Grandpa calls April. She’s his ex-wife. Oh, and Grandpa’s real name is Finn. If they mentioned it before, I didn’t hear, or care. But I don’t find out anyone else’s name for a while, so I hope you like nicknames. Finn is adamant about taking April and his daughter inland. But she's his ex-wife, so she argues with him. They end the call and Finn decides to close the bar due to the storm.  The ocean is rising and flooding is imminent. Finn had a good sense of timing because the bar is closed up right as waves hit the place and a shark crashes through the window. Don't panic though, because Waitress kills it with pool stick. That’s it. They're cool with it.

So now Finn, Waitress, Jet Ski Dude, and Creeper Man all arm themselves like this is a common occurrence. Waves are over taking the pier, causing mass panic. People are running and sharks are flying. How the sharks survive the fall from hundreds of feet I will never know. One lands in front of Waitress and she falls over. She just manages to shoot it and boy, talk about close calls. It was definitely a better move than just getting up and running from the flopping shark. That's stuck on land. Struggling to breathe. What the actual fuck.

Then, in an act of ignored physics, the Ferris Wheel gets knocked loose and starts rolling down the pier. It was some Indiana Jones type of shit. A building stops the wayward carnival ride.

(It was at this point that I took a break from writing this disaster, only to remember way later than I planned (Sunday night), that this garbage needed to be finished. I was in the middle of watching Spartacus god dammit, and now I have to wait to watch the next episode, cliffhanger btw, to write this piece of shit?? I hate life sometimes.)

Obviously the pier is destroyed and Finn looks like a kicked dog because his bar is fucked up.  He wants to get his wife and kid and Waitress is shocked, like: “whoa man, I want your dick, but kids are too much commitment for me.” But the group all volunteer to go with him. So off they go on mission one: get April and Claudia (the daughter is Claudia, I know more things now). They all pile into Finn’s jeep and drive through the flooded streets of L.A..  It’s fake raining really hard and sharks are swimming in the flooded streets. Once again, they are oddly cool with it.

The worst death happens next: a poor, little duck gets eaten. I cried like a bitch. The rescue team reach a tunnel where people are abandoning their cars???  Even when people start being eaten they stay in the water??? Even Finn gets out…and then everyone else does??? I sense some abandonment issues here. Creeper Man now has a name. It’s Gary and he’s carrying a barstool. Wait, not Gary, his name is George (took me another twenty minutes to realize this). George tries to save a dog but he gets eaten, did not see that coming…

After some pointless wandering, everyone, minus George, gets back in the car. Which is fake too?!? Cheap fuckers.  They wasted a good seven minutes of the movie, but they keep going not giving a fuck about the sharks swimming in the streets.

They get to April’s place and she’s like, “Go away.” Then a shark flies from out of nowhere and she's like, "Come in." So exciting. We meet Claudia, who has daddy issues. Big surprise. We also meet the typical douchebag boyfriend. But it’s fine because he gets eaten when the house suddenly floods. Finn has the best slow motion fight scene as he battles a shark with a bookcase.  Waitress shoots it dead and there is a period joke due to the bloody water. Also, to add more drama, it’s revealed that Finn has a son. Well where they fuck has he been?  Now they have to get him. Mission two: engaged.

This next scene is so ridiculous. As they drive over a bridge, Finn sees a school bus stopped below and decides to check it out. Bonus mission: engaged. So Finn fucking pulls rock climbing gear out of his jeep and repels down to the bus. Of course the bus is full of children. So they start pulling the kids up one by one. And thank the gods there’s a time skip. The teacher goes last. Real quick, shout out to Jet Ski Dude for being amazingly strong.

The action happens when Finn finally gets to go. A shark jumps out of the water and bites the rope, latching on. It looked so stupid. I hated this so much. So fucking much. Finn cuts it loose and makes it back to the bridge. We can tell that April is having conflicting feels regarding her ex-husband.

Looks like the weather is clearing up and- JUST KIDDING! The wind kicks up, sending the Hollywood sign flying at them.  The weird ass teacher is killed by it. Off in the distance, the group sees waterspouts with sharks flying around in them. They nod like it’s normal. So fucking dumb. The sharks look so idiotic. Be better!!!

Back on track to Matt. They are driving, seemingly abandoning the kids on the bridge, when a shark lands on the roof of the jeep. They kill it…along with the Jeep. Everyone gets out and run for it because it blows up.

??? What the fuck???

 They go to a mini market and I learned that the Waitress is named Nova.  Claudia tells her: “I know how you look at my dad but he’s a great big bag of dicks.” (Shout out to Supernatural).  The big problem is how are they going to get another car when-oh, never mind, there is a fucking movie car lot across the street (I can’t face desk while sitting on the couch, so I face punched instead). They take a decked out hummer and get further inland. It’s nice a dry, for now, and I like how no one here really cares that people are being killed by sharks in the streets. Then the group gets chased by police but escape because the hummer had a Nos button. /long suffering sigh/

(Here is where my patience has ran thin so I cut a lot of detail so I can be done with this forever. Because the details really matter in this shitty movie, I’m so sorry if you’re still reading.)

They make it to Matt’s flight school and Nova finds him. The remaining students and instructor have a make shift shelter. Which comes in handy because the sharknado hits just then. It’s gone fast and the sun comes out. The survivors then make the decision to stand and fight instead of just driving away. Let me be clear that they want to fight the sharknados. They want to fight….the sharknados (the fact that there is more than one sharknado gives me cancer). The people break into a hardware place to arm themselves.

Here, they come up with the master plan: blow up the sharknados. Matt and Nova volunteer as tribute because Matt can fly the helicopter and all of a sudden Nova likes Matt. Like, she like likes him.

Next, Claudia settles her daddy issues while Nova and Matt compare their ugly scars. Mysterious back story revealed! She has witnessed a shark massacre before. I am shocked speechless by this latest development.

Jet Ski Dude makes the bombs and loads the chopper and the jeep. He plans on blowing himself up as a plan B. Finn’s like: No, man.” Jet Ski Dude is like: “Come on, bro.” Then Finn is like: “Okay, you can go.” Nice friendship, guys.

The helicopter looks so real as Matt and Nova take off.  A shark flies toward chopper and Finn shoots it with a handgun like two hundred feet away. from the helicopter, Nova throws a bomb and the tornado blows up and sharks fall from the sky.

…..

The group uses chainsaws and other things to kill the falling sharks; because a fall from hundreds of feet won’t kill the assholes. It’s like an arcade game because those motherfuckers were everywhere.

Matt and Nova go after the second tornado and Jet Ski Dude is killed. Poor guy, no one ever mentions him again. The rest of the group runs to a neighboring retirement home, I guess to defend the clueless elderly from falling sharks.

The flying duo goes for the third tornado and successfully blow it up. There is only one to go, but the dumb assholes didn’t make enough bombs. A shark latches onto the helicopter, causing Nova to fall from the chopper and directly into shark’s mouth. Matt crashes but is fine and he finds shelter with the others at the retirement home. Except Finn, who drives the rigged hummer into the tornado and jumps out before he gets swept away. He blows it up causing the last of the sharks to fall from the sky.

Everyone goes outside to celebrate and Claudia is dumb and gets in the way of a falling shark. Finn pushes her out of the way and jumps in the mouth of the shark with a chainsaw. It dies as it crashes to the ground.

Oh no, he died right?

Wrong (dammit).

He’s alive and well as he fucking saws his way out of the shark’s belly. He bursts out covered in blood, yelling as he goes back in for something. No fucking way, man. No fucking way!!! He pulls Nova from the stomach. Jesus Christ, just kill me now. Matt gives her CPR and she’s totally alright. I’m still confused as to why her affections changed that fast from father to son. Fucking weirdo.

The old people rejoice and Nova is not Nova, she’s Jenny now??? What did I miss? I don’t fucking care. Finn and April kiss and make up and thank fucking God I am done with this piece of shit. Don’t ever let me do something like this again! What the hell was I thinking? I’m so sorry. I just can’t fucking-/trailed off raging/.

            Fin.