Movie Review: Desolation of Smaug (2013) Part 1:

            Warning: Naughty language, kids.

            Notes: I know I don't normally review new movies, but I couldn't resist. I've only seen it once, so don't expect the great detail I usually get into. Because this is such a high quality blog...

            More Notes: SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY
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            Music: 8/10 hobbits

            Flashback! Thorin is in Bree, chasing a rumor about his father.  He believes his dad is still alive but bitch-ass Gandalf, whom he runs into at the Prancing Pony, is like "idk man" (please note Gandalf doesn't actually show up for three more sentences). Thorin goes to the Prancing Pony after acting all shady and paranoid. He orders some food but can't even enjoy it because these ugly motherfuckers won't stop checking him out. It looked like there was going to be a fight but then Gandalf shows up and sits with Thorin.

            Basically, the conversation that follows consists of Gandalf convincing Thorin to go on the quest to retrieve the Arkenstone, which would give him the power to command the seven armies so he could take back Erebor. Which is where Bilbo comes in. They need a burglar to get the stone.

            The best fucking part of this scene was Peter Jackson's cameo. He just fucking walked across the screen eating a carrot. It looked like he forgot he was supposed to have an appear and last minute he was like, "Shit, someone get me a carrot."

            (Then the title appeared and I cried a little bit)

            Bilbo Baggins, the lovely little hobbit, is scouting. He sees the orc pack about two leagues away, but he spies another problem. A giant bear is close, and it seems grumpy. Bilbo runs back to the group and tells them about the orcs. However, before he can tell them about the bear, the dwarves start arguing about what to do. They are dumb that way. Bilbo manages to tell them about the bear, something Gandalf appears to know about.

            The wizard says he knows where they can go and that it could go wither way. They will be safe, or die. They decide to go for it because you know, #yolo (HA).

            I'm sure everyone just exited the page.

            Fine, go. I don't care. I'll say it again. #YOLO. What is dead may never die!

            Shout-out to Game of Thrones.

            This is going downhill very quickly. This movie ruined me emotionally, physically, and mentally. But like, in a good way. Moving on.

            The company is now trying to outrun an orc pack and a bear. Here we find out that Bombur is a natural sprinter. We also discover that he can't run through doors. I laughed like an asshole. Anyway, another example of dwarven intelligence is shown when they can't get the door open and everyone is panicking. The bear is almost upon them, what will they do? Oh, Thorin knows. He unlatches the fucking door and it opens. That was fucking magic right there. The dwarves, Gandalf, and Bilbo are now safe in a strangers home.

            Plot twist: The bear owns the house. Gandalf informs them of Beorn the skin changer. I feel like that would've been nice to know from the start, dude.

            Now, I understand that for the sake of the greater story and movie time that things need to be altered. But the scene with Beorn was really fast. I would've liked more Beorn. I mean, he's a man who can turn into a bear. He even looked bad ass as a dude. But all that happened was that everyone went to sleep, woke up, ate, chatted, and then left.

            I almost forgot. During the night, Azog the defiler, the pale orc that wants to kill the dwarves, is summoned to Dol Gulgur by his master. Master? Who might that be? Well, since I don't remember the exact sequence of scenes about this story line, I'll just tell you now. Azog goes to the place and a dark shadowy entity tells him that he must command the army because war is coming. But Azog still wants the dwarves dead so he sends this other orc, uglier than he is, to finish the deed.

            The company is running out of time. The day the door to the mountain will be revealed is drawing near so the only choice they have to is go through Mirkwood. An elven forest consumed by disease and darkness. And spiders. Really big spiders. Fucking gross.

            Another thing I forgot to mention...man, I'm just dropping the ball on this one. During this entire movie, Bilbo is becoming addicted to the ring and is at war with himself over it. He's changed because of the ring, even Gandalf has noticed. So yeah, that's a thing. But I like how they played the ring up in the movie. It gives the entire franchise continuity.

            Gandalf has a little...conversation? I think, with Galadriel about the evil that is rising. So Gandlaf leaves the peasants on the outskirt of the forest to investigate what is happening. He's like, "Don't die, bye."

            So now the wizard-less company enters the forest. They have to stay on the path or they will die. It's not easy though. the air is poison and everyone gets as high as a kite. They lose the path, as predicted, and Bilbo is sober enough to climb as tree to see where they are. The fresh air clears his head and it's actually really pretty. He tries to tell the others that he knows where to go, and that they are actually really close to the Lonely Mountain. But, this is a movie, so it's not so easy.

            Here there be spiders. They capture Bilbo and the dwarves, who a really useless in this bit. The dwarves just kind of chill in the death cocoons while Bilbo uses his sword and slashes and stabs his way out. He uses the ring to turn invisible to aid his escape. Bilbo is all cool as he kills some spiders, and thus his sword is named: Sting.

            He frees the dwarves, who remember they have weapons. Kili gets separated from the group, but is saved by Tauriel and Legolas. Yeah, buddy. Legolas. I love the amount of screen time Legolas had. He was all fighty and gorgeous. And Tauriel, damn, she is my new lady crush. I just didn't like the love triangle Between Legolas, Tauriel, and Kili (spoiler). I mean Tauriel and Kili are cute, but why did they throw Legolas into it. I don't think it fit his character very well.

             So the elves take the dwarves and imprison them in their pretty dungeon. Except Thorin. Thranduil wants to offer him a deal. He'll help them on their quest in exchange for some treasure. Thranduil is an asshole, but I understood why he does what he does. And even though he's an asshole...he's an attractive asshole. So yeah, a deal.

             But Thorin is a dwarf that comes from a family with a history of greed, and grudge holding. He says no. Balin is like, "you moron." But Thorin is like we have a chance of escaping. Also, Kili flirts with Tauriel while Legolas creeps in the background.

             Oh hey, Bilbo isn't in prison. He used his ring to escape and then followed the elves into the castle place. This scene went by fast as well. I'm saying this as a person who has read the books. I expected them to be in Mirkwood longer. But you know, time and plot.

             Bilbo helps them escape by shoving them in some barres and then releasing those barrels into the river. The elves find out quickly and take chase. But they aren't the only ones; the orc pack catches up to the company on the river. The dwarves get held up in their escape because the river gate is closed. Tauriel and Legolas are completely bad ass in this fight scene at the gate and down the river. Kili gets out of his barrel and climbs up to the gate. He's about to pull the lever to open the gate, but he gets shot in the thigh with an arrow.

             Fili yells for his brother and that made me emotional with the brotherly feels. Legolas and Tauriel are still fighting the orcs and the dwarves are stuck and vulnerable. What will happen next?

             I don't feel like typing anymore, come back whenever. I don't know when I'll finish this. Probably soon. Or not. Who knows?

             TBC....
         

Winter is coming

And that means winter break is almost upon me. I might try to do a review; depends on if I finish the short stories my friends are receiving for Christmas.

But with the amount of free time I have, I will probably finish them in a timely manner.

Any suggestions? Preferably Christmas movies since 'tis the season.