Movie Review: Desolation of Smaug (2013) Part 1:

            Warning: Naughty language, kids.

            Notes: I know I don't normally review new movies, but I couldn't resist. I've only seen it once, so don't expect the great detail I usually get into. Because this is such a high quality blog...

            More Notes: SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY
_________________________________________________________________________
            Music: 8/10 hobbits

            Flashback! Thorin is in Bree, chasing a rumor about his father.  He believes his dad is still alive but bitch-ass Gandalf, whom he runs into at the Prancing Pony, is like "idk man" (please note Gandalf doesn't actually show up for three more sentences). Thorin goes to the Prancing Pony after acting all shady and paranoid. He orders some food but can't even enjoy it because these ugly motherfuckers won't stop checking him out. It looked like there was going to be a fight but then Gandalf shows up and sits with Thorin.

            Basically, the conversation that follows consists of Gandalf convincing Thorin to go on the quest to retrieve the Arkenstone, which would give him the power to command the seven armies so he could take back Erebor. Which is where Bilbo comes in. They need a burglar to get the stone.

            The best fucking part of this scene was Peter Jackson's cameo. He just fucking walked across the screen eating a carrot. It looked like he forgot he was supposed to have an appear and last minute he was like, "Shit, someone get me a carrot."

            (Then the title appeared and I cried a little bit)

            Bilbo Baggins, the lovely little hobbit, is scouting. He sees the orc pack about two leagues away, but he spies another problem. A giant bear is close, and it seems grumpy. Bilbo runs back to the group and tells them about the orcs. However, before he can tell them about the bear, the dwarves start arguing about what to do. They are dumb that way. Bilbo manages to tell them about the bear, something Gandalf appears to know about.

            The wizard says he knows where they can go and that it could go wither way. They will be safe, or die. They decide to go for it because you know, #yolo (HA).

            I'm sure everyone just exited the page.

            Fine, go. I don't care. I'll say it again. #YOLO. What is dead may never die!

            Shout-out to Game of Thrones.

            This is going downhill very quickly. This movie ruined me emotionally, physically, and mentally. But like, in a good way. Moving on.

            The company is now trying to outrun an orc pack and a bear. Here we find out that Bombur is a natural sprinter. We also discover that he can't run through doors. I laughed like an asshole. Anyway, another example of dwarven intelligence is shown when they can't get the door open and everyone is panicking. The bear is almost upon them, what will they do? Oh, Thorin knows. He unlatches the fucking door and it opens. That was fucking magic right there. The dwarves, Gandalf, and Bilbo are now safe in a strangers home.

            Plot twist: The bear owns the house. Gandalf informs them of Beorn the skin changer. I feel like that would've been nice to know from the start, dude.

            Now, I understand that for the sake of the greater story and movie time that things need to be altered. But the scene with Beorn was really fast. I would've liked more Beorn. I mean, he's a man who can turn into a bear. He even looked bad ass as a dude. But all that happened was that everyone went to sleep, woke up, ate, chatted, and then left.

            I almost forgot. During the night, Azog the defiler, the pale orc that wants to kill the dwarves, is summoned to Dol Gulgur by his master. Master? Who might that be? Well, since I don't remember the exact sequence of scenes about this story line, I'll just tell you now. Azog goes to the place and a dark shadowy entity tells him that he must command the army because war is coming. But Azog still wants the dwarves dead so he sends this other orc, uglier than he is, to finish the deed.

            The company is running out of time. The day the door to the mountain will be revealed is drawing near so the only choice they have to is go through Mirkwood. An elven forest consumed by disease and darkness. And spiders. Really big spiders. Fucking gross.

            Another thing I forgot to mention...man, I'm just dropping the ball on this one. During this entire movie, Bilbo is becoming addicted to the ring and is at war with himself over it. He's changed because of the ring, even Gandalf has noticed. So yeah, that's a thing. But I like how they played the ring up in the movie. It gives the entire franchise continuity.

            Gandalf has a little...conversation? I think, with Galadriel about the evil that is rising. So Gandlaf leaves the peasants on the outskirt of the forest to investigate what is happening. He's like, "Don't die, bye."

            So now the wizard-less company enters the forest. They have to stay on the path or they will die. It's not easy though. the air is poison and everyone gets as high as a kite. They lose the path, as predicted, and Bilbo is sober enough to climb as tree to see where they are. The fresh air clears his head and it's actually really pretty. He tries to tell the others that he knows where to go, and that they are actually really close to the Lonely Mountain. But, this is a movie, so it's not so easy.

            Here there be spiders. They capture Bilbo and the dwarves, who a really useless in this bit. The dwarves just kind of chill in the death cocoons while Bilbo uses his sword and slashes and stabs his way out. He uses the ring to turn invisible to aid his escape. Bilbo is all cool as he kills some spiders, and thus his sword is named: Sting.

            He frees the dwarves, who remember they have weapons. Kili gets separated from the group, but is saved by Tauriel and Legolas. Yeah, buddy. Legolas. I love the amount of screen time Legolas had. He was all fighty and gorgeous. And Tauriel, damn, she is my new lady crush. I just didn't like the love triangle Between Legolas, Tauriel, and Kili (spoiler). I mean Tauriel and Kili are cute, but why did they throw Legolas into it. I don't think it fit his character very well.

             So the elves take the dwarves and imprison them in their pretty dungeon. Except Thorin. Thranduil wants to offer him a deal. He'll help them on their quest in exchange for some treasure. Thranduil is an asshole, but I understood why he does what he does. And even though he's an asshole...he's an attractive asshole. So yeah, a deal.

             But Thorin is a dwarf that comes from a family with a history of greed, and grudge holding. He says no. Balin is like, "you moron." But Thorin is like we have a chance of escaping. Also, Kili flirts with Tauriel while Legolas creeps in the background.

             Oh hey, Bilbo isn't in prison. He used his ring to escape and then followed the elves into the castle place. This scene went by fast as well. I'm saying this as a person who has read the books. I expected them to be in Mirkwood longer. But you know, time and plot.

             Bilbo helps them escape by shoving them in some barres and then releasing those barrels into the river. The elves find out quickly and take chase. But they aren't the only ones; the orc pack catches up to the company on the river. The dwarves get held up in their escape because the river gate is closed. Tauriel and Legolas are completely bad ass in this fight scene at the gate and down the river. Kili gets out of his barrel and climbs up to the gate. He's about to pull the lever to open the gate, but he gets shot in the thigh with an arrow.

             Fili yells for his brother and that made me emotional with the brotherly feels. Legolas and Tauriel are still fighting the orcs and the dwarves are stuck and vulnerable. What will happen next?

             I don't feel like typing anymore, come back whenever. I don't know when I'll finish this. Probably soon. Or not. Who knows?

             TBC....
         

Winter is coming

And that means winter break is almost upon me. I might try to do a review; depends on if I finish the short stories my friends are receiving for Christmas.

But with the amount of free time I have, I will probably finish them in a timely manner.

Any suggestions? Preferably Christmas movies since 'tis the season.

Please don't be an asshole

Just be respectful.

Yes, we know Paul walker died in a car crash. Yes, he’s also a star in the fast and furious movies. No, it’s not okay to laugh about it.

Do you understand that he was in a car that slammed into a tree…and then exploded. That is horrible and not something to joke about.

No to mention the fact that this happened during a charity event he was participating in for the Philippines.

I am really upset. I remember watching Joy Ride with my friend and forming a crush on Paul.

I remember watching Eight Below, knowing it was going to be sad, but I watched it because Paul was in it.

I shamelessly love the Fast & Furious franchise. I have fond memories of watching them during sleepovers with my friend and fangirling over Paul. 

I’m still shocked over this. Paul Walker was one of those crushes that was always there. It was subtle. Not like the fanatic crush I have on Tom Hiddleston or Benedict Cumberbatch. But I would always stop and watch a Fast & Furious movie when I was channel surfing. I would smile at his tweets. Seeing the occasional photo pop up on my dash was refreshing.

I say all of this to make a point. I know there will be idiots out there who will laugh about the way he died. It makes me angry to demean someone’s death because it was “ironic”. Cut the shit and act descent.

Or in other words:

Don’t be an asshole and show some respect.

RIP Paul Walker

My time has come to an end.

It's that time. Summer is almost over for me and I've been a busy bee. This means that this blog is now a 'review-when-I-can-so-don't-expect-a-lot-until-break" blog.

It's been fun! See you whenever!

Movie Review: The Impossible (2012) Part 2:

Warning: Naughty language, kids.

Notes: Sorry this is so late!

Previously: This movie tore your heart out a little bit, tsunamis are scary, and I never thought a can of soda would give me so much emotion.

_________________________________________________________________

Music is still 7/10 waves.

Henry tells Thomas that he hasn’t found his Mom or brother yet.  He also tells Thomas to look after Simon because he is sending them to a shelter in the mountains. Henry is going to stay behind to continue his search for Maria and Lucas. No, Henry. Don’t separate the family even more. This movie just loves to make me pull out my hair.

It’s dark as Thomas and Lucas are loaded into the back of a truck. Henry asks to use a phone but the person is a jackass. Even in disaster, assholes will be assholes. He asks the group in the truck to take care of his boys.  A woman tries to get him to go with them but he is determined to find the rest of his family.

Henry keeps stumbling about, searching, until his flashlight goes out. He falls down a hole and when he gets out he goes to the road. People find him and give him a ride to a shelter. He sits with a group of strangers. Awkward. A man is telling the group about how he lost his family. He woke up and found a note from his wife that she and the kids went to the beach. Seriously movie, break my heart every five minutes. Henry is asked about his family, so he tells them about how he found his youngest boys, and how he is still looking for Maria and Lucas.

The man who told about his family, Karl, lets Henry use his phone to call home. He gets ahold of some family and starts crying when he tries to tell them about Maria and Lucas. I cried at this part. Tears streaming down my face as I hugged my blanket. He hangs up because he can’t even talk. Once he calms down, Karl tells him to call his family again because he can’t leave it like that. He promises his family that he will find them no matter what. Karl asks to go with him.

Meanwhile, Thomas is trying to help Simon sleep. An older lady asks to sit by them and Thomas nods. They chat about the stars and how some are dead but their light still shines and how it’s impossible to tell which start are alive and which ones are dead. The older lady cried as she talked with Thomas. It was a symbolic conversation. The scene was short, but I liked it a lot.

Back with Lucas, some nurses ask him to take a look at a few items. It’s a watch and some jewelry and he can’t recognize any of it. The nurses look at one another oddly and ask Lucas to come with them. The music swells as they closer to a bed. A nurse pulls back the curtain and there is Maria. It was a mistake in the records, saying that she was someone else. She went into surgery for her chest but wasn’t strong enough for her leg, they have to wait until she recovers. It doesn’t look like the surgery helped, Maria looks deathly.

Henry and Karl are on their mission to find their loved ones. They look through shelters and hospitals and rows of bodies trying to find familiar faces.  At one shelter, he sees the group from the truck he put his kids on, but not Simon and Thomas. It turns out they were taken away with other kids without parents. Fucking great, a reunion coupled with another separation.

At the hospital, Mara is looking worse (I didn’t even know that was possible). Lucas watches as the lady that was next to his mom earlier is taken away. As he watches her be wheeled out of the room, he sees Daniel. Remember cute little Daniel? Lucas follows Daniel as he runs off and watches as Daniel runs up to his father. It was so awesome to see that. Lucas tries to tell his mom but she asks about the color of her leg. Lucas checks and lies about it, saying it’s red. As she rests he goes to get help. The nurse says they are doing the best they can. Do better, nurse. Do better.

Henry and Karl arrive at the hospital where his family and wants to check it out. But the other people in the truck they are riding in want to skip this one. Henry manages to get five minutes to look, while Karl writes down the names of his family and give the paper to Henry. He doesn’t want to slow Henry down.

 At the same time, Lucas goes to get water for his mom. Thus begins the frustrating game of: “one goes one way and the other goes the other way”. Henry walks up the stairs away from the lobby just as Lucas runs into the lobby. Henry walks past Maria’s room but doesn’t see her because her curtain is closed. Yet, Maria opens her eyes as he walks past.

 Just as I begun to lose hope, Lucas sees his dad’s shorts from the floor above him. He runs after him, yelling. This was so scary. We want Henry to hear his son, but it’s too crowded and noisy. Lucas loses his dad in the refugee camp outside the building. Despair starts to set in.

Then for better or worse, I wasn’t sure at the time, the truck with Simon and Thomas stops outside the same camp. Simon hops off to pee and Thomas follows, telling him to hurry. Lucas is hurriedly looking throughout the camp, but can’t find his dad. At the same time, Henry is back in the truck, ready to leave, but the vehicle is having trouble starting. Thomas and Simon run back to their own ride and I was yelling at the screen.

 Lucas gets frustrated and yells for his dad as loud as he can. This is how Thomas and Simon find him. They run at each other, yelling each other’s name and they collide, hugging the shit out of one another. This part made me cry the hardest. Dammit, I’m crying as I type this. The emotions are so overwhelming.

The boys are crying too.  And just when your heart is about to burst, Henry finds them. There is more running and hugging and crying and I was a blubbering bubble of tears, not coherent at all. Karl tells the truck driver that they can go now.  The music crescendos and adds to the emotion. It’s so beautiful. But the music stops when Lucas tells them that Maria is there as well.

It’s a much quieter reunion this time but Maria’s face when she sees her family is so sad. She asks if she is dead. She never thought she would see her family again. Finally everyone is together again; but maybe not for long. Maria tells Henry she can rest now because Lucas won’t be alone if she dies. The doctor and nurses come to take her to surgery.

A little while later, the boys are in a makeshift waiting room, worrying about Maria. Lucas tells his dad that he never told Maria something that she needs to know. But we don’t know what that I just yet. The movie cuts to Maria in a room with other patients for scheduled for surgery. Next to her is the lady from earlier, but now she is more coherent. She says she has a family too. They look at each other and reach out to hold hands but the lady is wheeled away and even though she was in the movie for like a minute total, it’s very unsatisfying.

Maria is finally taken into surgery and is scared to go to sleep. The nurse calms her down and anesthetizes her. She dreams about the tsunami and we see what happened to her between the time the tsunami hit and where we joined her again as she held onto the tree. It’s hard to watch. It’s loud, her leg gets cut, and she screams.

The next morning, Lucas wakes up startled. His dad is there, telling him that they are going home. The family gets taken to the airport, including Maria, who is wheeled onto the plane.  They are all on board and ready to take off shortly. Lucas gets up and goes to Maria and tells her what he never got the chance to earlier. He tells her that Daniel found his family. They hug until a stewardess asks him to take his seat.

Lucas realizes his still has his sticker from the tent on and peels it off. Henry looks at the list of names Karl gave him and turns the paper over, reading “we are at the beach.”  Of course, one more strike at the heart just as the movie is about to end. The plane takes off, carrying the family far away from their nightmare.  Maria looks out of her window and cries as they fly over the destroyed island.  The final shot is of the plan flying over the open ocean.

The End.

Movie Review: The Impossible (2012) Part 1:

Warning: Naughty language and description of gore, kids.

Notes: Finally another multi-part review. I took my time with this one because this movie is dear to me. But it doesn’t say much considering the usual state of these reviews. Oh well. As soon as I found it online, I watched it and wrote about it. I usually take forever when I choose a movie to review. Not this time. Enjoy, bitches.

__________________________________________________________________

Music: 7/10 waves

If you haven’t seen this movie, stop reading this and watch it. I don’t care how, just watch it. This movie is one of my all-time favorites.  I won’t listen to excuses, just watch it. If you don’t know what it’s about, well guess what, it tells you in the first minute of the movie.

Here are some hints: Thailand, 2004, tsunami.

This movie is about a family that lives through the disaster. After the opening credits, we are greeted with a black screen. All to be heard are rumbling noises and it gets louder and louder and your heart rate goes up a little bit waiting for the tsunami to- just kidding it’s a plane. Ewan McGregor plays Henry, who worried about whether or not the alarm was set at home. Naomi Watts plays his wife, Maria, who tells him not to worry. They have three boys: Lucas, Thomas, and Simon.  The family is headed to Thailand for the holidays.

Thailand is very beautiful, and I was almost jealous until I remember what movie I was watching. They get a lovely room with a seaside view on the first floor even though they booked a room on the third floor. It was the hotel’s fault. A little background is given on the family: they live in Japan for Henry’s job, Maria is a doctor, though no longer a practicing one, she now acts as a stay-at-home mom. Lucas wants a soda he found in the mini fridge but Maria says no. Lucas is obviously getting into his teenage, my parents are annoying, angsty years.

The island is alive with tourists and families ready to spend their holidays in an exotic setting. Everyone is having a good time. Their first day is full of fun, food, and floating lanterns. The sequence is wonderful and sad. As an audience, we know how bad everything is going to get.

The next morning is Christmas morning. Maria and Henry film the kids waking up and opening their presents. One of the boys, I think it’s Simon, gets a red kickball and they all play with it on the beach. Their Christmas day is spent diving and enjoying being together as a family. Even the ocean was pretty and serene; like the calm before the storm.  At least the family had a good Christmas.

The next day is the day. You can just tell as the scene opens. Everyone is out by the pool; it seems like most of the hotel residents are actually. Henry is worried about getting fired from his job, something very trivial in light of what is about to happen. But how can he know. Ever the comforter, Maria says she will go back to work if she has to. It feels terrible listening to them plan for the future. I wanted to scream at the television and tell them to get out of there.

Henry gets out of his little funk and goes to plays kickball with the boys. Maria is reading when one of her pages gets blow away. She retrieves it and is kneeling in front of a glass panel when the power goes out. The wind picks up even more and the rumbling starts. My entire body was tense because this is the whole reason people watch the movie, to get a closer look at what that day was like. The pool goes quiet and everyone looks toward the beach as palm trees get knocked over and the rumbling gets louder. No one had a clue this was coming.

The wave crashes through the hotel, washing it away. People start screaming a running. Maria yells for Henry, who is with Thomas and Simon in the pool. He manages to grab ahold of both of them before the water overtakes them. Lucas jumps into the pool just as the wave reaches him. Maria braces herself, and as the water hits her, the screen goes dark. The few seconds dark are silent. I was even holding my breath.

Flashes of dirty water take up the screen. It’s swirling and crashing as the camera surfaces to find Maria clinging onto a palm tree. She’s cut up and screaming. An overhead view shows the audience the extent of the destruction. Everything is gone. You can’t even hear her screams over the roar of the water.  Miraculously, Maria hears Lucas scream. He is being washed away with the current, and away from her. Maria, the badass mom she is, lets go of the tree to get to him. She gets impaled by a branch along the way. It’s very cringe-worthy.

This is the second most frustrating scene of the movie because you want them to get to each other, but fighting a tsunami is difficult.  Luca is able to grab onto debris but Maria can’t, so he lets go. They both mange to grab hold of a mattress, on opposite sides of course, and reach to hold hands; but just as they are about to, the mattress hits a pole and flips. Back in the water again; it’s really frustrating.

A car floats by Lucas with no one in it except a crying baby. I had a moment of: “what the fuck?” He watches the car float by and sees another wave coming from the other direction. It drowns the car and Lucas gets pushed under. He spins out of control with the debris and you cringe as you wait for him to get hurt by something, which does happen. He gets knocked on the head with some metal. He is able to surface and grab a hold of a pole.

 Across the water, he sees his mom drifting with the current, face down. Lucas screams for her and thankfully she stirs while she gets stuck on some downed trees. They swim for each other and finally manage to stay together. They hug it out and I will admit that I almost cried. The agony of the sequence is over, just an entire movie to go (I think I might be a masochist when it comes to these things).Mother and son are able to find a tree to wait it out on.

When the water goes down enough, the pair goes off to find higher ground. We see just how badly Maria is hurt when Lucas sees the back of her leg. It’s flayed, like almost completely. The skin is hanging below the open wound. Lucas stops to tell her, but when she turns around, Lucas does as well. Maria’s shirt is torn and her breast, along with the wound from the branch, is exposed. She fixes her shirt as best she can and has Lucas walk in front of her.

 Along the way, Maria bandages up her leg with leaves and twine. She also coughs up blood, which she hides from Lucas. They find a nice tree off in the distance and make for it. Before they get there, however, they hear a call for help. Lucas doesn’t want to help but Maria tries to convince him by pulling the: “What if it was your brothers?” I thought that would convince him but instead he yells that Simon and Thomas are dead. That just punched me in the gut. Thanks for reminding me, kid. Maria is still able to convince Lucas to go look for the person. They find a little cute kid stuck under some debris. His name is Daniel, and he becomes an honorary family member by getting to go with them to the tree.  Lucas finds a can of soda from the hotel and puts it in his pocket. He then helps Daniel and his mom up the tree. Boy, Maria is in really bad shape. The three hang out in the tree and share the soda until some local people find them.

Note: Every destruction shot is heart breaking. This shit actually happened. People died and people lived. The music really adds to it as well. It’s not the most unique soundtrack ever, but it was used beautifully to add emotion to every important moment.

An elderly man drags Maris through the muck because he isn’t strong enough to carry her. Her screams are hard to listen to. They end up at an unscathed home and get cleaned up.  She’s so thankful and starts crying for her boys (this is a music moment). Men put her into the back of a truck on an old door to drive her and Lucas to the hospital. They are leaving as they realize Daniel isn’t with them. We don’t know what happened to Daniel.  It’s sad. So are the dead and injured people they see on the way.

The hospital is poorly equipped for such devastation. It’s crowded as shit. Maria ends up in a closet because they don’t have enough rooms.  A doctor comes and tends to her injuries, painfully, and not very thoroughly. She is then moved to a crowded recovery room. Maria asks Lucas if her leg is red. It is and that’s a good sign. She’s a doctor, remember. The pair shares a tangerine while Maria tries making conversation with the woman next to her. But she isn’t talking.

 Instead the lady starts coughing up blood. Maria tries to help but then she does the same thing except she pulls a nasty string of blood clots from her throat. Way to outdo her, Maria. It’s gross, but necessary to show how bad people were having it. Lucas obviously freaks out, telling her to stop and looks away from the gore, something I’m sure a lot of audience members did.

A while later, a man comes through the room, yelling for Francesca, I think he said Francesca. Maria knows how busy everyone is and tells Lucas to go help people. He agrees after some convincing that Maria isn’t going anywhere. While he tries to find something to do, a man pulls him aside to ask if he’s seen his kid so Lucas goes on a mission to find him.

Along the way he gathers more names from people looking for loved ones. He walks around the hospital calling out for people. The music grows steadily louder the longer Lucas looks for people. Then it stops when he yells out the first name and a boy answers. He runs to go get him and it’s finally a good moment as father and son are reunited. Lucas is excited, hell, even I was excited. He runs back to tell his mom but when he gets there, she’s gone.

He panics and a nurse comes up to him, saying she will help. It’s not the help he wanted though. He ends up in a lost children tent. The nurse asks him a bunch of questions that he struggles to answer due to the shock. She gives him a name tag and leaves. Lucas cries when he sees the other kids with name tags and realizes that he might be an orphan. This is the third most frustrating moment of the movie.

The movie goes back to the resort. What are we doing here? A person is walking through the mud. They find a red ball and pick it up. The person turns around and, surprise, it’s Henry. He’s alive, a determined to find Maria and Lucas. He keeps looking for them until sunset. Then he treks back to the hotel and we see there were many survivors. Who does Henry meet at the hotel? Simon and Thomas. The entire family survived. This movie is called The Impossible for a reason.

TBC..

Movie Meme:

Notes: No review this week, so instead enjoy this little movie meme thing. I asked for some questions on Tumblr and these are the ones I received. Sorry for not being able to post a normal review, but I hope you enjoy this. See you next week (hopefully)!

P.S.: the top ten/fives lists are in no particular order.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­_________________________________________________________________

Top ten sports movies:

1. We are Marshall
2. Trouble with the Curve
3. Air Bud
4. Radio
5. Gladiator (it totally counts)
6. The Blind Side
7. Gridiron Gang
8. Rocky
9. Seabiscuit
10. Stick It

Best comedy that turned out to have plot/meaning:

• Just Go With It

Worst special effects:

• Sharknado…always Sharknado

Worst sci-fi (in terms of actual science):

• Prometheus 

Best animated children’s film that adults enjoy:

• Toy Story

Top five villains:

1. Loki           
2. Scar
3. Khan
4. Annie Wilkes
5. Faora-Ul

Top five heroes:

1. The Avengers (I can’t use the whole list for them)
2. Hercules
3. James Bond
4. Neville Longbottom
5. Lara Croft

Best made-for-tv movie

• High School Musical (don’t judge)

Worst movie with big name stars:

• X-Men 3

Top ten reboots/remakes:

1. Star Trek
2. The Dark Knight
3. The Amazing Spiderman
4. Man of Steel
5. James Bond
6. Sherlock Holmes
7. King Kong
8. The Karate Kid
9. Amityville Horror
10. Dawn of the Dead

Top ten why-did-these-become-popular:

1. Twilight
2. New Moon
3. Eclipse
4. Breaking Dawn
5. Kickass
6. Sharknado
7. Pirate of the Caribbean 4
8. Green Hornet
9. Princess Diaries 2
10. Shrek 4

Top ten non-Disney animated films:

1. How to Train Your Dragon
2. Rise of the Guardians
3. Shrek
4. Ice Age
5. The Swan Princess
6. Titan A.E
7. Pagemaster
8. An American Tail
9. The Land Before Time
10. Prince of Egypt

Top ten book adaptation:

1. Lord the Rings
2. The Hobbit                     
3. Life of Pi
4. The Silence of the Lambs
5. Misery
6. Harry Potter
7. To Kill a Mockingbird
8. Sherlock Holmes
9. Jurassic Park
10. Atonement

Worst movie adaptation:

• The Last Airbender

Top ten scenery/sets in movies:

1. Every location in Lord of the Rings
2. Every location in The Hobbit
3. The barricade at the end of Les Miserables
4. The realm of Asgard in Thor
5. The ocean in Life of Pi
6. The Hellicarrier in Avengers
7. The Savanna at the beginning of The Lion King
8. Hogwarts in Harry Potter
9. The Black Pearl from Pirates of the Caribbean
10. The Arena in Gladiator

Worst Disney channel movie:

• Cheeta Girls 3

Top ten animal movies:

1. Air Bud
2. Seabiscuit
3. War Horse      
4. Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron
5. Black Beauty
6. Firehouse Dog
7. Homeward Bound
8. Eight Below
9. 101 Dalmatians
10. The Ghost and the Darkness

Favorite actor:

• Tom Hiddleston

Favorite actress:

• Jennifer Lawrence

Top five sidekicks:

1. Q from Skyfall
2. John Watson from Sherlock Holmes
3. Blake from The Dark Knight Rises
4. Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings
5. War Machine/James Rhodes from Iron Man

Top ten films: (but I love all the movies….this took the longest)

1. The Avengers
2. The Lion King
3. Gladiator
4. The Impossible
5. How to Train Your Dragon
6. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
7. Monsters Inc.
8. Jurassic Park
9. Inception
10. Pacific Rim

End.

Apologies

Hey, guys. There's been some personal stuff going on this week so I won't be able to get a review up on Monday. But I won't just disappear, I will have a little something ready to be posted on Monday.

Sorry about this. I will hopefully be able to get one up on the 2nd of September. It just depends on how things work out.

Goodbye for now!

Movie Review: Sharknado (2013):

Warning: Naughty language, kids

Notes: I’m so sorry about this one. I made a terrible mistake. This movie made me extremely angry so expect a lot of !!! and ??? I’m so sorry. Like, so sorry.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­__________________________________________________________________

Music: 1/10 shitty CG sharks

Well let’s get this over with.

At least this movie gets right into it. The first thing we see is a waterspout in the ocean sucking sharks up into the storm. Seems legit. Then it goes to the title screen and yeah, not much set up needed for this thing.

We flash to a fishing boat twenty miles off the coast of Mexico. This is no normal tuna boat however, these motherfuckers are catching and killing sharks. I thought these were going to be the main people because an actual almost story was set up for them. The captain of the ship and some dude who doesn’t like tea are chatting business. Is it tea? I don’t fucking know. I only paid attention to this movie when I had to. Tea Dude offers money to the captain  for his shark catch. They fight over the price and why some corporate tea guy wants sharks, I don’t care.

The fight escalates when the captain pulls out a gun, causing Tea Dude to agree with his price. The crew lets the captain know that a storm is coming and for some reason that I missed, the captain mentions that sharks should be afraid of people. Be ready to eat your words, prick. 

The storm arrives and everything is shaking and the badly CGI’d boat is having a rough time. But the captain doesn’t go around the storm, he wants to go through it like dumb person. A shark washes up on deck and eats some dude. No one cares? Then I guess I blinked at the wrong time because suddenly Tea Dude has a gun. But the captain fucks him hard and shoots him. Then he gets eaten. Oh no, so tragic. But then the boat gets caught in the middle of the sharknado and everyone dies. Why they couldn’t just show that in the first place, I don’t know. Why go through the pointless set up for randoms?

Now we are on Sexy Beach.  There is literally not one ugly person on the beach. Everyone is hot. Predictably, there are a lot of surfers enjoying themselves and checking each other out. Storm clouds roll in but the surfers are like: “Sweet waves, man.” They show a surfer dude get towed around on a jet ski. At this point I thought the dude was just a random doomed to die. We end up inside a bar and on the news is a report about hurricane David and how it has driven the sharks off. Ha. Also, a new character is introduced here; she’s a waitress, who fights off the affections of Creeper Man.

Back on Sexy Beach, the storm is getting closer, so are the sharks. Some chick goes surfing and the dude that was towed around on the jet ski earlier hits on her. But really it’s just terrible flirting. I wonder how uncomfortable a wet suit is on a boner? Slightly off topic but I'm curious okay? Anyway, the chick calls the man Grandpa, and now I will too. Grandpa falls off his board (loser), and the chick gets surrounded by badly CG’d sharks.

Side note: the sharks in this movie are mostly the badly CGI’d ones, but randomly there are shots of real sharks mixed in, making it worse than the CG sharks because the real sharks are so out of place. You can tell that the real sharks are in the middle of the ocean and not the streets of Los Angeles (spoiler). Fucking Christ.

            Anyway, the shitty sharks are getting close to shore, and there are tons of them. The sexy beach goers are oblivious to the danger. Which begs the question: where are the fucking life guards? Isn’t it a part of their job to be on the lookout for sharks? Oh well, too late, the surfer chick is eaten and Grandpa freaks out. He yells things like, "SHARKS!" and to, "GET OUT OF THE WATER!", but no one cares. Dumb idiots deserve to die. And they do. Another random dude is eaten, and another…and another. It's glorious.

Now comes the part when people panic and run away. The waitress from earlier hears the commotion and rushes to the beach like a smart person. The Jet Ski Dude saves Grandpa and is bitten by a shark. But it’s fine because they both make it back to land.  Here we find out that Waitress knows Grandpa. When she hears about the sharks she gets all sketchy. I wonder what her mysterious back story will be??

Back at the bar, Jet Ski Dude is patched up and telling his story.  But Creeper Man gives no fucks.  Literally, hundreds of sharks just showed up and ate people and everyone is so calm about it. “It’s just the storm.” Grandpa is more worried about the storm than the sharks and calls someone named April. Also, Grandpa owns the bar and is Waitress’ boss.

So Grandpa calls April. She’s his ex-wife. Oh, and Grandpa’s real name is Finn. If they mentioned it before, I didn’t hear, or care. But I don’t find out anyone else’s name for a while, so I hope you like nicknames. Finn is adamant about taking April and his daughter inland. But she's his ex-wife, so she argues with him. They end the call and Finn decides to close the bar due to the storm.  The ocean is rising and flooding is imminent. Finn had a good sense of timing because the bar is closed up right as waves hit the place and a shark crashes through the window. Don't panic though, because Waitress kills it with pool stick. That’s it. They're cool with it.

So now Finn, Waitress, Jet Ski Dude, and Creeper Man all arm themselves like this is a common occurrence. Waves are over taking the pier, causing mass panic. People are running and sharks are flying. How the sharks survive the fall from hundreds of feet I will never know. One lands in front of Waitress and she falls over. She just manages to shoot it and boy, talk about close calls. It was definitely a better move than just getting up and running from the flopping shark. That's stuck on land. Struggling to breathe. What the actual fuck.

Then, in an act of ignored physics, the Ferris Wheel gets knocked loose and starts rolling down the pier. It was some Indiana Jones type of shit. A building stops the wayward carnival ride.

(It was at this point that I took a break from writing this disaster, only to remember way later than I planned (Sunday night), that this garbage needed to be finished. I was in the middle of watching Spartacus god dammit, and now I have to wait to watch the next episode, cliffhanger btw, to write this piece of shit?? I hate life sometimes.)

Obviously the pier is destroyed and Finn looks like a kicked dog because his bar is fucked up.  He wants to get his wife and kid and Waitress is shocked, like: “whoa man, I want your dick, but kids are too much commitment for me.” But the group all volunteer to go with him. So off they go on mission one: get April and Claudia (the daughter is Claudia, I know more things now). They all pile into Finn’s jeep and drive through the flooded streets of L.A..  It’s fake raining really hard and sharks are swimming in the flooded streets. Once again, they are oddly cool with it.

The worst death happens next: a poor, little duck gets eaten. I cried like a bitch. The rescue team reach a tunnel where people are abandoning their cars???  Even when people start being eaten they stay in the water??? Even Finn gets out…and then everyone else does??? I sense some abandonment issues here. Creeper Man now has a name. It’s Gary and he’s carrying a barstool. Wait, not Gary, his name is George (took me another twenty minutes to realize this). George tries to save a dog but he gets eaten, did not see that coming…

After some pointless wandering, everyone, minus George, gets back in the car. Which is fake too?!? Cheap fuckers.  They wasted a good seven minutes of the movie, but they keep going not giving a fuck about the sharks swimming in the streets.

They get to April’s place and she’s like, “Go away.” Then a shark flies from out of nowhere and she's like, "Come in." So exciting. We meet Claudia, who has daddy issues. Big surprise. We also meet the typical douchebag boyfriend. But it’s fine because he gets eaten when the house suddenly floods. Finn has the best slow motion fight scene as he battles a shark with a bookcase.  Waitress shoots it dead and there is a period joke due to the bloody water. Also, to add more drama, it’s revealed that Finn has a son. Well where they fuck has he been?  Now they have to get him. Mission two: engaged.

This next scene is so ridiculous. As they drive over a bridge, Finn sees a school bus stopped below and decides to check it out. Bonus mission: engaged. So Finn fucking pulls rock climbing gear out of his jeep and repels down to the bus. Of course the bus is full of children. So they start pulling the kids up one by one. And thank the gods there’s a time skip. The teacher goes last. Real quick, shout out to Jet Ski Dude for being amazingly strong.

The action happens when Finn finally gets to go. A shark jumps out of the water and bites the rope, latching on. It looked so stupid. I hated this so much. So fucking much. Finn cuts it loose and makes it back to the bridge. We can tell that April is having conflicting feels regarding her ex-husband.

Looks like the weather is clearing up and- JUST KIDDING! The wind kicks up, sending the Hollywood sign flying at them.  The weird ass teacher is killed by it. Off in the distance, the group sees waterspouts with sharks flying around in them. They nod like it’s normal. So fucking dumb. The sharks look so idiotic. Be better!!!

Back on track to Matt. They are driving, seemingly abandoning the kids on the bridge, when a shark lands on the roof of the jeep. They kill it…along with the Jeep. Everyone gets out and run for it because it blows up.

??? What the fuck???

 They go to a mini market and I learned that the Waitress is named Nova.  Claudia tells her: “I know how you look at my dad but he’s a great big bag of dicks.” (Shout out to Supernatural).  The big problem is how are they going to get another car when-oh, never mind, there is a fucking movie car lot across the street (I can’t face desk while sitting on the couch, so I face punched instead). They take a decked out hummer and get further inland. It’s nice a dry, for now, and I like how no one here really cares that people are being killed by sharks in the streets. Then the group gets chased by police but escape because the hummer had a Nos button. /long suffering sigh/

(Here is where my patience has ran thin so I cut a lot of detail so I can be done with this forever. Because the details really matter in this shitty movie, I’m so sorry if you’re still reading.)

They make it to Matt’s flight school and Nova finds him. The remaining students and instructor have a make shift shelter. Which comes in handy because the sharknado hits just then. It’s gone fast and the sun comes out. The survivors then make the decision to stand and fight instead of just driving away. Let me be clear that they want to fight the sharknados. They want to fight….the sharknados (the fact that there is more than one sharknado gives me cancer). The people break into a hardware place to arm themselves.

Here, they come up with the master plan: blow up the sharknados. Matt and Nova volunteer as tribute because Matt can fly the helicopter and all of a sudden Nova likes Matt. Like, she like likes him.

Next, Claudia settles her daddy issues while Nova and Matt compare their ugly scars. Mysterious back story revealed! She has witnessed a shark massacre before. I am shocked speechless by this latest development.

Jet Ski Dude makes the bombs and loads the chopper and the jeep. He plans on blowing himself up as a plan B. Finn’s like: No, man.” Jet Ski Dude is like: “Come on, bro.” Then Finn is like: “Okay, you can go.” Nice friendship, guys.

The helicopter looks so real as Matt and Nova take off.  A shark flies toward chopper and Finn shoots it with a handgun like two hundred feet away. from the helicopter, Nova throws a bomb and the tornado blows up and sharks fall from the sky.

…..

The group uses chainsaws and other things to kill the falling sharks; because a fall from hundreds of feet won’t kill the assholes. It’s like an arcade game because those motherfuckers were everywhere.

Matt and Nova go after the second tornado and Jet Ski Dude is killed. Poor guy, no one ever mentions him again. The rest of the group runs to a neighboring retirement home, I guess to defend the clueless elderly from falling sharks.

The flying duo goes for the third tornado and successfully blow it up. There is only one to go, but the dumb assholes didn’t make enough bombs. A shark latches onto the helicopter, causing Nova to fall from the chopper and directly into shark’s mouth. Matt crashes but is fine and he finds shelter with the others at the retirement home. Except Finn, who drives the rigged hummer into the tornado and jumps out before he gets swept away. He blows it up causing the last of the sharks to fall from the sky.

Everyone goes outside to celebrate and Claudia is dumb and gets in the way of a falling shark. Finn pushes her out of the way and jumps in the mouth of the shark with a chainsaw. It dies as it crashes to the ground.

Oh no, he died right?

Wrong (dammit).

He’s alive and well as he fucking saws his way out of the shark’s belly. He bursts out covered in blood, yelling as he goes back in for something. No fucking way, man. No fucking way!!! He pulls Nova from the stomach. Jesus Christ, just kill me now. Matt gives her CPR and she’s totally alright. I’m still confused as to why her affections changed that fast from father to son. Fucking weirdo.

The old people rejoice and Nova is not Nova, she’s Jenny now??? What did I miss? I don’t fucking care. Finn and April kiss and make up and thank fucking God I am done with this piece of shit. Don’t ever let me do something like this again! What the hell was I thinking? I’m so sorry. I just can’t fucking-/trailed off raging/.

            Fin.